Despite knowing for the past fifteen years that I wanted to leave Durango, I never imagined it would be as it was: forced to leave for my own safety. Dealing with that emotional impact was overwhelming.
After five months, I have finally accepted that I created that experience.
I had lived in Durango for most of my life: forty-four years! I had lived in that old house for thirty-nine. Organic produce was a five-minute walk or drive, depending on which of the three stores I shopped. I was fifteen minutes from the hospital, five minutes from my opthalmologist and dentist. Upon reflection, my life was perfect.
So why had I been trying to leave for fifteen years?
I spent an hour searching my documents for “leaving Durango” and “leaving Colorado.” It all came back. As the relocation astrologer pointed out, “Durango will never be more for you than a pretty place to walk.”
Even so, it took “dynamite” to get me out of there: two young guys (the buyers) harassing me, and a lawyer and all the realtors saying I needed to leave because it wasn’t safe for me to stay there.
The women in my family are dramatic, and I was an actress in the theatre in Durango. So, naturally, I created a big she-bang!
But I have not been myself since I arrived in this place where everything is different. Once a highly intuitive person who got verbal messages of guidance (My Higher Self? God?), I have been alone for the past five months: no voices.
Typically, I start my day with “sitting” (doing the yoga meditation with pranayama and third eye). On my morning walks of the Sulphur Creek Trail, I do a kind of insight meditation. On the way out, it’s gratitude. On the return, it’s mantras and other things. At night, it’s Yoga Nidra, recorded meditations by Gurudev.
Five months of that and still no voices? I am so alone!
It’s absolutely true that my mind has been in overdrive. I’m guessing that’s because I hadn’t slept more than three hours a night since February when I listed my house in Durango. Finally, I recalled the formula that worked so well for me when I was a professor. Now I’m sleeping up to six or even seven hours a night.
While I haven’t heard voices, Source has been speaking to me in ways I could hear–like this quote from Star Trek Next Generation when an entire colony had to leave their planet. Their resistance was all about how they had lived there for generations and how hard they had worked making it what it was.
“There will be other places, other challenges.”
Talk about challenges! Did I mention that “Everything is different here?”
But something happened today when I chose to read a book instead of thinking about that. It’s the only one on my Kindle Unlimited service, the only one I will have read for that service because I haven’t had the time to read.
Coincidentally, it’s one about our relationship with God (The Universe, Source, All That IS) and who we really are.
When I looked at the title, I thought, Huh. That’s cool. Might be something I can use in my dissertation for my Ph.D. in metaphysics.
I had been talking all day to Source, asking, “Why you don’t answer me?”
After reading two-thirds of that book, I got my answer: I have never accepted what I preach–that we are all One.
Like Tolstoy, I believe strongly that “The Kingdom of God is within.” Like Jesus said, “You can do what I do and more…” Like Abraham and Gurudev say, “You create your own reality.” The logic is simple:
- If you believe that God is omnipresent and omniscient (all-knowing and everywhere at once),
- Then you must also believe that God is in YOU.
The tricky part is believing that God within us means that we are God, seeking experience through us. (Nod to D. Cranstoun who introduced me to that idea when he gave a guest lecture to one of my classes circa 1992).
It took me about ten minutes to “get over” my persona, my unique self. Here’s how (with quotes from that book, One Truth, One Law: I Am, I Create):
If you are looking at your life, and you are unhappy with what surrounds you and what you are, it is because you are not aware of your creative power. If you are happy with what surrounds you, it’s because you understand that you have a power on some level. You know you are more than the doubts and fears of your persona.
The persona is the part of you that believes you are not God and believes that we are not all One. It’s a gift that you’re given when you come into a body in the physical world that allows you to believe you are an individual. Because of the persona, you are able to have a multitude of experiences as an individual.
Your persona doesn’t change the truth about who you really are, but it exists in the physical world because it has been created. There is only one real truth. That truth is you are God, and your thoughts create.
I have never been able to accept that last statement. Why? Two reasons. Some guys who did “claim they were God”, ended up crazy. And, unlike God, we all have to face our fear of death.
Then I recalled numbers 2, 8, and 10 in “The Pattern on the Trestleboard” which I recite daily:
- I am a center of expression for the Primal Will-to-Good which eternally creates and sustains the Universe.
- I look forward with confidence to the Eternal Splendor of the Limitless Light.
- The Kingdom of Spirit is embodied in my flesh.
Suddenly I was smiling and laughing. I am so happy for my life, for all my experience, for the gift of this amazing earth suit, and for the gift of my persona!
Till next time,
Please be kind to everyone you meet, for we all have our hidden sorrows. Tzaddi
- Part 4: The Contract
- Star Trek Next Generation (“The Ensigns of Command”, Season 3, Episode 2).
- One Truth, One Law; I Am, I Create by Erin Werley
- The Tarot, by Paul Case