It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.
~ Wendell Berry
Wendell Berry understood where I am now. His words were exactly what I needed to hear on my way up, climbing out of the pit. I don’t believe for a second that I’m the only one who has been there. At some point, each of us faces the unknown and experiences self-doubt and loss of confidence.
Most of my life, I’ve been a do-er. I knew what I was doing and focused on getting it done. But this time, “the spectacular accident” limited what I could do and gave me ample time to contemplate. I faced the consequences of every major decision I had made in my life. I learned how I had created a life to be mostly alone and relatively poor and realized how all that workaholic behavior benefited my employer, not me. And I suffered the excruciating conclusions that my life was filled with failures.
It was brutal, and it’s not over yet. Last night, the drama in my mind was intense enough to keep me awake despite taking Melatonin to sleep.
Christian friends would say that Evil and Good were waging war for my soul. I had that experience thirty years ago, including the visitation of Jesus and the Devil (!), and wrote about it in BURNOUT: How a Desert Lizard Restored My Faith.
Friends who follow Abraham’s version of the law of attraction see it differently. Depending on the depth of their understanding of the LoA, they would say “focus on the positive,” “focus on feeling good,” or “focus on what you want and allow everyone else do the same.” Uh huh. But the most upbeat, positive person I know is currently digging himself out of the pit.
Gurudev consistently says we are responsible for everything we experience. He also says that when we are in alignment (in meditation), we can ask for whatever we want. His perspective seems to be a mash-up of Christianity and LoA. I still practice yoga and meditation, but it’s the cards I turn to now.
Only my Tarot cards are judgment-free. They reflect to me what’s happening now and offer alternatives. My reading tells me where I am now on the same path everyone is on, and offers strategies to get through whatever conflict or impasse I’m experiencing.
For the third time in my life, I don’t have a clue where I’m going. But I do know what I’m doing.
As stated in a previous post, I’m focusing on “getting my body back” (especially my arm muscles) and getting ready to move: destination unknown. I’m spending my time “clearing clutter with Feng Shui” as I did with the garage last summer. It still feels like erasing my life, but now it’s a good feeling, because it opens the door for new opportunities!
I have no idea where I’m going or what I’ll be doing when I get there, and that’s okay. I’m actually beginning to enjoy the journey, one moment at a time.
Till next time,
Please be kind to everyone you meet, for we all have our hidden sorrows. ~Tzaddi