[These excerpts are from CYCLING in the CITY — How I Got My Confidence Back, Book 2 in the Burnout to Bliss series about an awakening experience. Book 2 is about a first step in recovery after intense burnout. (For that story, please see Book 1, BURNOUT — How a Desert Lizard Restored My Faith.*)
Book 2, CYCLING in the CITY, was designed to be a guide for anyone wanting to make any kind of change in her life. “Part One: Cycling in the City” is my story, sharing the process of making a huge personal change — healing myself and reclaiming my confidence and self-esteem. “Part Two: Thoughts About Making Changes” explains why making change is so difficult; it addresses the different kinds of changes we make, the mental games we play, and the essential key for success. The book is $1.99 for a limited time. Buy it here.]
When I finished reading Schultz’s book, I felt drained, yet inspired at the same time. I realized that I wasn’t alone! Someone else had taken this journey and confirmed that I was okay!
On my ride home, I considered that my spirit guide (who I then believed was my departed biological father) was with me in that library. I recalled the eerie sensation of feeling slightly light-headed and being drawn to certain aisles. None of them matched the numbers I had written down after my preliminary search for “obsessions,” “psychology of love,” etc., the conscious reason I had done that ride.
Instead, I had pulled titles from the shelf without looking at them, stacking the leaning tower of books in the cradle of my arm. I remember feeling that nothing could prevent me from absorbing all those volumes. Despite being a slow reader who prefers to sub-vocalize – to read silently at the same speed I would read out loud – I knew I would have all the time I needed to read those books.
My sense of time had miraculously changed, although I was not aware of it then. Instead of the regular clock-time I had lived by in my work, my perception in the library was that time was an infinite resource! And I had never read so fast, or with such incredible comprehension – all in only five-six hours in the library!
It wasn’t until I got home that I noticed I hadn’t checked out any books!
Reclaiming my self was a major milestone in my recovery from the psychological devastation of my last semester at the college. Just how bad it was is revealed in the following letter I wrote to the psychic who had helped me navigate that period. I wanted her to know how I was now.
October 14, 1989
Sometime around March of this past spring, I called you for an appointment on a friend’s recommendation. I was desperate, said I wanted to learn how to shield myself from someone who was trying to kill me.
We set up an appointment and I came to hear you speak at the college on the Wednesday evening prior to our appointment. I wanted to feel your energy before seeing you in consultation. Standing in the front of the auditorium, you looked up and saw me sitting in the top row. And you recognized me as an astral traveler. You told me to stay in my body. And I felt both relieved and embarrassed at the same time.
On Friday evening, as I was driving my truck to your house for our 8:30 appointment, I almost didn’t make it. I was torn between going to your house and going towards the Red Mountains to drive off a ledge. I finally decided while driving that I would keep my appointment with you as a courtesy. I could always kill myself later. Even in my self-destruction, I have always tried to be considerate of others.
In your studio, I pleaded with you to help me get past the demons that have made me feel such despair throughout my life. You said something like, ‘This must be a commitment. You must choose to live or die. There’s no turning back. To what extent are you committed?’
I think I did say I was totally committed. But now I know I hadn’t fully understood.
Then you led me through that meditation of separating myself from attachments to bad memories, and you helped me recover my inner child.
What strikes me now as most important about my meeting with you that night was that you forced the issue. Which one did I want most? Was it Life? Or was it Death?
Hopefully, you now know who is writing this weird letter to you.
I just wanted to say, ‘Hi, Monty. I finally got what you meant. I want you to know that I am now, in fact, committed to life!’
And I meant every word of that last sentence, “I am now, in fact, committed to life!” Somehow, in the process of regaining my confidence and self-respect with my little bicycle project, I also got off the fence about suicide.
Cycling in the city is a life story that will always represent a turning point for me. It is the time I finally committed to life!
Of course, my body benefited from the exercise as well! My goal for getting my physical fitness and strength back was also being met.
And there were other benefits from exploring on my bike. I discovered a lot about the community. Not just where the health food and thrift stores and libraries were, but the special, pretty places tucked into most cities. I also learned the best places to ride my bike longer distances. And I met other cyclists!
BURNOUT — How a Desert Lizard Restored My Faith is Book 1 in the Burnout to Bliss Series. It’s available in both print and Kindle formats. The digital is currently listed for $4.99. Buy it here.
Book 3 relates my story of “surrender” — trusting that my life is in Divine Order. It is the final story of a two-year journey with one modest paycheck and no plans that was launched with BURNOUT. The first getaway from that extreme situation that to a “sanctuary” in California as related in Book 2, CYCLING in the CITY. That one was simply to heal myself enough to take the next step.
The real story of “surrender” began when that sanctuary was no longer available and I became like The Fool (Tarot card), jumping off a cliff with a tiny knapsack and a little dog for company…
And that story is coming out this summer…
Want to be with the first to know when Book 3 available?
Click the BURNOUT TO BLISS tab on the far right at the top of the page and scroll down, and then follow the directions OR simply click the link below:
Till next time, please be kind to everyone you meet, for we all have our hidden sorrows. ~Tzaddi